


Very Professional Indeed

by goblin



Category: SMAP
Genre: Comedy, Crossdressing, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-04-02
Updated: 2007-04-02
Packaged: 2017-11-23 08:58:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/620361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goblin/pseuds/goblin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frenzied chase scenes! Wild accusations! Surprising costumes! Awkward silences!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Very Professional Indeed

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: This is pure fiction extrapolated from Japanese television and a foolish gaijin’s brain, and is in no way intended to represent, misrepresent or indeed say anything in particular about the real members of SMAP. May contain traces of nuts.
> 
> This fic is set, for no good reason, in 1997. It is not actually slash, but it does contain plenty of fan service. Enjoy!

Nakai adjusted his bonnet, smoothed down his skirt, and stepped into the studio.  
There was a moment’s frozen silence while everybody adjusted their brains slightly. Then the director came up to talk to him about the scene, the crew went back to work, and everybody in general pretended that this was perfectly normal. Very professional, Nakai thought with satisfaction, very professional indeed.  
Except –  
Wait.  
Except for Shingo and Goro, who were standing in the corner and giggling their little hearts out. Weren’t they meant to be on a break? Nakai supposed they had come specifically to laugh at him. Great.  
“Kawaii!” exclaimed Shingo, intercepting Nakai as he passed by. Shingo poked and prodded Nakai, petted his curls and lifted up his skirt to see the petticoats.  
“Shut up!” snapped Nakai, slapping Shingo’s hand away then hitting him on the head for good measure. Shingo just chortled and moved back to join Goro, who was grinning like an idiot.  
“Places, everybody!”  
Face like a thundercloud, Nakai stomped to his place on the set. Unfortunately though he looked more like a 9-year-old denied a lollypop than a fully-grown and rather angry man. His scowl lessened somewhat upon seeing Tsuyoshi in his ugly salaryman wig, who was waiting patiently and perfectly seriously for their scene to start. At least some members could be relied upon to be professional.  
“And… lights, camera – “  
BANG.  
The had been opened with such force that it had hit the wall on the other side. The next thing anybody knew, Nakai was shouting “Help! Heeeelp!” and shooting around the set at record speed, ribbons and ringlets streaming out behind him, with a clearly enraged figure in hot pursuit. Suddenly the entire studio was in uproar, everybody shouting or attempting to restore order – except for Shingo and Goro, who were shaking with mirth because they had realised several seconds before anyone else that Nakai’s pursuer was in fact Kimura.  
Kimura ran full pelt in his suit and glasses from the “Taikan Elevator” sketch after Nakai, who was sprinting as fast as his pink platform mary-janes would carry him.  
“You come back here!” Kimura yelled. “You little – !”  
Shingo got himself together long enough to say, “Ah, young love,” in sentimental tones. Then he and Goro dissolved into yet another fit of the giggles that lasted for the next ten minutes at least.  
Speeding across the studio, Nakai suddenly tripped on a lead and in a flurry of petticoats fell gracelessly to the floor. At which point Kimura caught up and sat on him.  
“It’s all your fault!” snarled Kimura into Nakai’s ear. “Now she won’t have anything to do with me!”  
Nakai struggled and panted. “What? Who??”  
“Don’t act innocent, that pretty pink lipstick doesn’t fool me,” hissed Kimura dangerously, grabbing Nakai’s wrists to stop the wild slapping motions Nakai had been making in the general direction of Kimura’s face. “You told her I was _gay!”_  
Nakai giggled hysterically.  
Kimura growled and grabbed him by the collar.  
 _“Rape!!”_ hollered Nakai, before collapsing into laughter again.  
A fresh burst of chaos erupted, in which several short arguments began, Shingo and Goro accidentally knocked their heads together and howled in pain before laughing even more, and the boom operator spilled a cup of coffee on the lighting assistant’s brand new shirt.  
Amid all of this Tsuyoshi stood looking very lost and forlorn and not knowing quite what to do.  
It took the director shouting, “EXCUSE ME!” for everyone to stop what they were doing and look.  
The director approached Kimura and Nakai with a dangerous glint in his eyes. Kimura looked up, wild-eyed, a few strands of hair having escaped from his ponytail and hanging in his face, frozen with his fist halfway to Nakai’s nose.  
“Excuse me,” repeated the director more quietly, “but could you two possibly sort this problem out _later?_ ”  
There was a moment’s chilly silence. Then, very sheepishly, Kimura got up, tucked his hair behind his ears and dusted his suit off. Nakai scrambled to his feet too, straightened his wig, retrieved his bonnet from the floor, and rapidly retied several small bows that had come undone. He and Kimura glared at one another. Then they stalked off in opposite directions, Kimura to the door and Nakai to Tsuyoshi, who was once more waiting patiently and perfectly seriously for their scene to start. Very professional, thought Nakai with approval, very professional indeed.  
At last, order was restored, with the possible exception of Goro and Shingo who still stood in the corner, silently killing themselves laughing.  
“And… lights, camera… action.”


End file.
